Star Wars--As Told By A Three Year-Old

I don't know if you have seen this video clip yet. It is of a three year-old girl retelling the plot to Star Wars IV: A New Hope. Be careful, you might actually say awhhhhhhhhhh....

You can watch it here.

The Most Helpful Phone Call Of All Time...I'm Not Kidding!

As many of you already know, I've embarked upon a new adventure.

I became a small business owner.

I formed a Limited Liability Company called reVision writing and consulting, ltd. My company (me) provides nonprofit development, business writing, and academic consultation services.

Things have been progressing nicely lately and I have started learning the game. However, I have one problem. I suck at math.

That means, I suck at figuring out my taxes.

This morning, I placed a phone call to the IRS. (Insert deadly theme music here).

But lo and behold, I had the greatest 1 and 1/2 hour phone call in the history of customer service phone calls. After being on hold for 2 minutes, I was transferred to the Small Business department where a nice gentleman answered the phone. After taking down my reason for calling--figuring out my taxes for the business--he proceeded to spend the next hour and a half taking me step by step through the tax process. He left no stone unturned and even answered my stupid questions.

I was extremely impressed by the service I received and I applaud both the IRS and their service department for their fantastic help today. 

The Jedi In The Bookstore

I would like to relay an incident that occurred--oh let's say--about two months ago. Now, I have had public encounters with so-called Jedi Knights before. If you cannot recall the Wal-Mart incident, you can read about it here.

However, nothing prepared me for what happened at the Zephyr bookstore. My wife was getting her haircut and I had a couple of hours to kill. I headed over to Zephyr to peruse their fine selection of used books. I browsed and browsed, flipped through numerous pages, and finally settled on three books.

I placed them under my arm and continued to meander through the store. I moved towards the back of the store; here, you'll find a small counter that the store owners converted into a quasi coffee shop. Round tables with uncomfortable wooden chairs pepper the store--a coffee shop indeed.

I digress.

Next to the coffee area is the Juvenile section. I began glancing through the titles to see if anything would be of interest for my wife. Not that she reads at the middle school level--she teaches middle school. My eyes darted from title to title and I was vaguely aware of my surroundings.

"We have coffee," a voice sounded behind me.

Not to be trifled with when I am looking at titles such as Dewey Duck's Journey and Where the Sidewalk Ends, I ignored the voice.

"You know, we have a coffee bar," the voice continued.

I turned my head and saw a disheveled young man reading a Star Wars encyclopedia. For the uninitiated, this encyclopedia has pictures and diagrams from the movies with explanations telling the reader everything about Star Wars. Want to know the name of the weapon a character carries? Want to know the name of Bobba Fett's ship? Want to know useless information about Yoda? Yup, this book is for you.

I didn't give the young man a second thought and returned to Dewey Duck.

"Don't you want a cup of coffee," he asked? At this point, I realized he wanted my attention.

I slowly gave him a moment's attention and responded, "No thank you, I don't drink coffee." Again, I returned to my books.

"You don't drink coffee?"

I shook my head a solid no and continued looking at the books.

"Who doesn't drink coffee?"

I turned to look at him. As I turned, he raised his hand and in a Jedi-like motion waved his hand as he said, "You want a cup of coffee."

Deciding that he was either A) crazy B) bored C) socially inept, I began to return to my books.

As I turned, he paused, narrowed his eyes, and with much concentration, raised his hand and gave me another Jedi-like wand movement and said, "You want a cup of coffee."

Exhausted with him, I started for the front of the store and the register. In the distance I heard him say, "I guess I need more practice."

I paid for my three books and headed for the car. I chuckled as I exited.

It's not every day that someone tries the Jedi-mind trick on me.

Sad Song

If you haven't heard of him, Fredo Viola is an intriguing musician. I highly recommend you visit his site (www.fredoviola.com) to watch his video, "Sad Song."

He shot 15 second movies on his digital camera and combined them into a creative video.

Check it out.

A Thought About Writing

As an English Instructor, I love writing innocuous comments about grammar on my students' papers.

They hate it.

I still dream of a day where all of my students write in complete sentences, finally figure out how to use a semi-colon properly, and understand short subject/verb sentences are highly effective.

Signs of the Apocalypse: Part IV

In recent days, Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in prison for violating the terms of her parole from a previous conviction. Over 900 fans have signed a petition for Governor Schwarzenegger to pardon Hilton.

Here's an excerpt from a recent online article regarding the petition:

"The petition, which had more than 900 signatures by Tuesday morning, urges Schwarzenegger to pardon Hilton because she provides 'beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.'"

What kind of lives are people living? Am I missing something?

Signs of the Apocalypse: Part III

As if we haven't already lost our minds, here is an article about a Washington D.C. judge suing his dry cleaner for $65 million dollars. You can read it here.

That is not a typo.

$65 MILLION DOLLARS!

Apparently, the dry cleaners misplaced his pants. They were found one week later and have been hanging in the dry cleaners' lawyer's office for over a year.

He is now suing the dry cleaner for his rental car to visit other dry cleaners as well as an odd interpretation of D.C. consumer protection law. The dry cleaners has offered more than enough money to settle the case and and the American Tort Association has offered to purchase any suit the judge desires.

Not good enough. $65 million.

Has this country gone absolutely bonkers?

Career Day

This story is quite the gem going around the watercooler.

A local middle school teacher recently assigned her students a "career project." She purposely had her students research careers that required a college education. She wanted her student to start thinking about the future and plant the idea about going to college.

She received a phone call from a student's father who was extremely upset about the nature of the assigment. What follows is a rough approximation of what he told this teacher:

"What!? Being a tattoo artist isn't good enough?"

The kicker...He was just released from prison.

Aim high kids, aim high.

My Wife Will Live Forever

This has been discussed in this space before, but my wife loves taking naps. Seriously. She simply enjoys napping. Now, science has found a way to encourage her napping even more.

According to a new study (you can read it by clicking here), napping may prevent fatal heart disease and other ailments.

Well, if this study is true, my wife will live forever.

Ned?! Ned Ryerson!

If you haven't heard, Punxsutawney Phil did not see his shadow and has predicted an early spring. In honor of Groundhog Day, I'd like to honor the cinematic genius of the movie Groundhog Day.

"Ned... Ryerson. 'Needlenose Ned'? 'Ned the Head'? C'mon, buddy. Case Western High. I did the whistling belly-button trick at the high school talent show? Bing. Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate? Bing, again. Ned Ryerson, I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple of times until you told me not to anymore? Well?"

Random Musing

If someone were addicted to counseling, how would you treat them?

Major Payne

This is from a recent conversation I heard. Two young ladies were having a discussion about the military and its rank system. They were discussing enlisted ranks versus officer ranks and how promotion within a rank occurs. When the conversation turned to talking about Generals, I heard the greatest question ever asked:

Girl #1: Okay, so there are different levels of Generals?

Girl #2: Yes.

Girls #1: Okay, where does the Attorney General rank in the military?

Ouch.

Signs of the Apocalypse Part II

Sports Illustrated recently released a salary report for all teams in the NBA. You can read about it here.

The total team payroll for 2006-2007 season is $1,937,265,735. That's right! Over $1 billion dollars is being paid to NBA players for ONE season. Not counting the playoffs, there are 2,460 NBA games per season. That means payroll costs teams $787,506 per game. Or, $16,406 per minute of NBA action.

According to the list, the average team payroll in the NBA is $64,575,524. There are approximately 480 players in the NBA. That puts the average NBA salary at roughly over $4 million dollars per year.

The NBA's highest paid player is Kevin Garnett of the Minnesota Timberwolves who pulls down a staggering $21,000,000 per NBA season. If we only count the regular 82-game season, Garnett makes a whopping $256,097 per game. He has averaged 38.2 minutes during his NBA tenure; if that trend holds true for 2006-2007, Garnett will make $6,700 per minute this season.

To put all this salary talk into perspective, let's examine 2006-2007 salary reports for other professions:

Teacher: $47,000 per year
Architect: $56,000 per year
Attorney: $82,000 per year
Accountant: $39,000 per year
Nurse: $59,000 per year
Physician: $151,000 per year

So, what do you think? Are our priorities screwed up or what? David Stern, I think we have a problem.

Money, Money, Money

In sad news, it has been confirmed that the Chicago Cubs signed Alfonso Soriano to an 8-year, $136 million dollar contract.

That's right: $136 million dollars for 8 years. 96 months. 2920 days. 70,080 hours. 4,204,800 minutes. 252,288,000 seconds.

OR:

$17 million dollars per year. $1.41 million per month. $47,000 per day. $1958 per hour. $32 per minute. $.053 per second.

The Sign of the Times:

He makes more in a day than the average Washoe County School District teacher makes in a year.

Conveyor Belt Etiquette

After the mortgage incident at Kohl's, my wife and I headed over to Wal-Mart to pick up some groceries for the new house. We got in line and began loading our foodstuffs onto the conveyor belt.

The checkout clerk began scanning our items. As the conveyor belt moved forward, an older lady behind us in line began placing her groceries onto the conveyor belt. I noticed she was purchasing a box of sugar-free blueberry snacks. I thought, "There's no way those things taste good."

The checkout clerk continued scanning our items and was finishing up when I noticed the box of sugar-free blueberry snacks in one of our bags.

I told the clerk, "That is not mine."

She pulled it out of the bag and re-scanned it to remove it from our charge list.

I pointed to the lady behind us and said, "I believe it is her item."

Looking aghast, like I just kicked her dog, the woman bellowed, "That's not mine! I don't want that!"

Stunned by her sudden denial, I swiped my credit card to pay for our groceries.

This unfortunate little incident could have been prevented if the woman in line would have observed one of the most basic shopping rules: Conveyor Belt Etiquette #1.

Conveyor Belt Etiquette Rule #1: When placing your items on the same belt as the customer in front of you, it is customary to use the little bar to separate your items from those already on the conveyor belt. Failure to observe this rule may result in combative situations with other consumers and even the possible loss of life.

Oh, I Have One of Those

My wife and I were at Kohl's last night purchasing Christmas decorations for our new house. We selected a variety of items and took them to the register so we could pay. As the checkout clerk rang up our decorations, we noticed it was more expensive than we first thought.

I turned to my wife and said, "Those half-off prices still add up quickly, don't they?"

She nodded in agreement and replied, "Yeah, we'll really notice it when we have to pay our first mortgage payment."

The clerk, overhearing our conversation, decided to chime in: "Oh, you have a mortgage?"

I nodded my head.

"I don't," he said in a smarmy manner.

"Really?" I said.

"Yeah," he said nonchalantly, "my uncle bought me a house."

Feigning interest, I mumbled a congratulatory remark and took my receipt. Before we could escape our materialistic beatdown, he said:

"Oh, and a truck too. You know I was driving this tiny little car and I was like, I need a new car...so, he bought me one."

I'll remember to skip his line next time.

Waking Up

My wife loves to sleep. She is not a morning person.

At all.

We had to get an early start to the workday this morning. The alarm sounded and I rolled over and glanced at the clock.

5:23 a.m.

My wife grunted, pulled the covers and rolled onto her side. She mumbled:

"Can we sleep until 5:30? I don't like waking up on an odd number. I like waking up when the time is at an even number."

Of course. What an excuse to sleep in--they just get better with each passing day.

Game Night

I must apologize to all who think game nights are boring or are something of Revenge of the Nerds lore. Louis Skolnick and Tri-Lams aside, we played Yahtzee at my brother-in-law's house on Saturday night.

The radio was blaring in the kitchen where we were playing and we quickly tired of the music on the radio. My brother-in-law retrieved a CD and brought it into the kitchen.

Holding up the CD on his return, he said: "Is Eric Clapton okay with everyone?"

The rest of us nodded in agreement and continued with the game.

As the second song began, my wife looked up from her scoresheet and said: "This sounds a lot like Eric Clapton..."

Yahtzee!

Signs of the Apocalypse

In sad news, it has been confirmed that the Chicago Cubs signed Alfonso Soriano to an 8-year, $136 million dollar contract.

That's right: $136 million dollars for 8 years. 96 months. 2920 days. 70,080 hours. 4,204,800 minutes. 252,288,000 seconds.

OR:

$17 million dollars per year. $1.41 million per month. $47,000 per day. $1958 per hour. $32 per minute. $.053 per second.

The Sign of the Apocalypse:

He makes more in a day than the average Washoe County School District teacher makes in a year.

Idaho Embraces the Dark Side

The other day my wife and I visited Costco to do some shopping. Costco didn't have what we were after and we made our way through the commercialized maze towards the front door. Suddenly, something caught my attention.

I came to a halt. My eyes glanced to the left and beheld my all-time greatest impulse buy:

Darth Tater

My Star Wars nerdism peaked and I giggled like I was twelve years-old again. "Can I get it?" I asked, in a "there's-no-way-we're-leaving-this-store-without this" voice. My wife begrudgingly supported my childish desires and allowed me to purchase my very own Darth Tater.

You can't have that much fun for $16.99.